The Return to Korea

Well, I have finally made it back to Korea, for better or worse! It was again really hard to leave friends and family, after spending nearly 2 months with them. But it was difficult in a different way. Last year I was stepping into the unknown- an unknown school, country, lifestyle- and was pretty stressed about it. For those who don't know, my body's way of dealing with stress or anxiety is to get sick. I feel nauseous most of the time, don't eat due to the nauseous-ness, don't sleep, and pretty much feel depressed.

This year was much harder on me emotionally. Yes, I was stressed and anxious, but all really depressed. I knew/know what I'm coming back to, so one might assume that I'd be more relaxed. But I wasn't. It was so much harder to leave the friends and family behind, and more difficult than I expected. Part of me is/was so afraid that it will be a repeat of last year- me feeling like I'm not connecting with anyone, living my life as a hermit. But, as my mom says- I shouldn't be speaking that into being! I know this year is going to be different- I do know people here, and I'm looking forward to getting to know them even better! I know how the school works, what to expect from the staff and students, and how to get around (at least a little bit). So it's going to be a fantastic year and it's going to fly by.

My only concerns is do I call it finished after two years or do I give it another year? I guess I'll just have to pray about that over the next several months.

it is finished

Well, for a few weeks at least! I'm off to Hawaii in about 12 hours, and will remain there for a week. Then off to home for 6 weeks! I'm excited to be heading home, and I think I'm finally calm enough to get excited.

Today and last night was an odd time for me. Last night I basically ate waaayyy too much Indian food. It was delicious, but by the time I got home it was just sitting in my stomach, like a big lump. I slept really poorly last night, and woke up this morning ready to cry. Which is odd for me (although, not really in the past 9 months here). I'm not really a crier. But today, I was Queen Crier. It all started when a neighbor walked into the elevator with me to go to our last teacher workday of the year. She simply asked how my day was and the tears started welling. I held them back until I got to school, and was able to grab a box of kleenex and cry in a friend's room. Got myself under control with the help of my friend, walked down to the staff meeting and immediately had to walk out. Ended up crying in the middle school counselor's office for a bit, walked back down to the meeting and had to stand outside the meeting room, so I wouldn't start crying again! gosh, you'd think that something tragic had happened to me. Made it through most of the rest of the day until about 6pm, when finally alone in my room, I bawled.

Now to answer everyone's questions as to what's wrong. The honest answer is, I don't really know. There's no clear-cut reason as to why I couldn't hold it together. I think it was a mixture of several things.

1. The past two weeks have been crazy as school- run, run, run. and suddenly today it stopped. Not so much to a wall, but more a cliff and I'm hanging onto the edge of it.

2. Being at the end of the school year is a huge emotional let-down. Not in a bad way, but I just can relax and not be stressed- I don't know how to deal with that at the moment.

3. I'm going home! A time of joy most (including myself) would think- but knowing that it's for a mere 6 weeks is hard. I am very joyful and excited to see my parents, family and friends again.

4. People are leaving. No one that I'm best friends with, but people that I do consider good friends. Not sure that one has completely sunk it yet...

So because of some sort of mixture of all that, I'm here crying. I'm ok now. I think I'm too exhausted to cry anymore. And I know it'll be better tomorrow. Plus my mom prayed over me tonight through skype. She's a fantastic pray-er, her prayers always seem to work better than mine! Plus she sounds so eloquent.

Anyway. i'm off to Hawaii soon, so I'm going to get some sleep! To all you who just completed school with me- have a wonderful summer, and I'll see most of you in the new school year!

oh just stuff.

So. I'm trying to be a happier person, less complaining, more accepting things as is. But, this one I have to talk about. I found out tonight that the reason I've been (and still am) excluded from certain groups is because I apparently flirt too much. I know I've got a flirtatious personality, and I'm also a touchy-feely person and people can take that the wrong way. But I also know that it is very toned down most of the time here in Korea because people don't know me. I've tried to respect the fact that not everyone is comfortable with me joking with a guy, or giving them a hug (or maybe even talking with them), but there is a point where I'm changing to make that person happy. Which, in my mind, is not good or right. The only person I should be changing for is God, and I shouldn't feel like I'm being judged by others- but that is exactly how I feel. These people have assumed that because I "flirt" with guys, I'm after so-and-so or this other guy or whatever they think. But really, it's me trying to get comfortable with them. Not to mention that I just get along better with some guys, therefore want to hang out with them.

I guess my point is that, it really hurts to know that rather than approaching me about the whole matter people chose to just stop calling or talking to me. I like to think I'm an open person, and relatively easy to talk to. I'd also like to think that if they had talked to me about the behavior, I'd have been open to their issues with me, could have explained things and also would have been aware that my actions were making them uncomfortable (perhaps even causing people to slip in their walk with God?), and we all would have been saved grief.

Am I so wrong in this thinking? Should I just completely change my attitude for them? I don't think so- but please correct me in my thinking if I am wrong.

and so it begins

Well, in the last post I mentioned the song, "Sweetly Broken." And the breaking has begun. Spoke with my mom tonight, as I do most every night, and she mentioned my 22 year old brother- Joe. He's the kind of guy that falls off the edge of the world- doesn't return phone calls or e-mails... admits to not listening to his voicemail, so maybe he doesn't check e-mails either? Anyway, point is that while we know where his college address is, we hear nothing from him for months. This occurred soon after Christmas, the end of February, and I believe my parents haven't spoken with him since the beginning of April. To his credit, when my parents are headed out his way, he does return phone calls- possibly because he ends up getting a free meal out of the deal. (this also gives credit to the fact that he does live at or near his college address)

Back to the story- my parents haven't spoken to him in a while and when they did speak last, Joe talked about how he had hard classes and he was studying for a test (go joe! you have your life back on track!). However, my parents got a letter from the bank that happens to hold his student loans saying that because Joe is no longer in college, he needs to begin paying back the loans. Hmmm.. hard to be studying when you're not in college anymore.

But the point of this post is not to bash my brother. I love him, and while he makes mistakes, we all do, and I will still love him after this. This is the point in which God starts chiseling away at the armour around my heart, and reshaping me. I'm here in Korea-some seven thousand miles away from it all. I can't do anything other than say, I'm here for you, and pray about it. It's a rather harsh way to hear God tell me I need to pray at all times- not just at night, or when I've got issues. (what happened to this being drawn gently to my knees? being sweetly broken??)

But it's coming through loud and clear. I'm listening. I'm praying. I'm here. Begin the breaking.

The Prodigal Son

Recently, I've been noticing a trend in what I've been reading and listening to. The story of the prodigal son keeps popping up, and I can't help but think that God's trying to tell me something. (grin) If you don't know the story, it refers to Luke 15:11-32. It speaks about how a son thinks that life outside his father's house is better than in. The son asks for his share of the estate and proceeds to squander it. He ultimately returns to his father, begs his forgiveness, and asks for a job as a servant. Rather than holding the son's mistakes against him, or giving him the lowly job he asks for, the father kills the fatted calf and holds a celebration. When the second, and older son (who has spent his life working hard on his father's land) asks why the celebration, the father responds; " 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me. Everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad. This brother of yours was dead. And now he is alive again. He was lost. And now he is found.' " (verses 31 and 32)

As I said above, I feel as if this is targeting me. For so many years, I've wandered under the guise of being a Christian- living the "right" life, saying the right things, and generally outwardly behaving as a Christian. Being here in Korea, my first time being overseas for longer than a few weeks, has made me really sit back and take an honest look at my life. I'm sad (and happy) to see all the mistakes and wanderings I've done. So many times I did one thing and thought another, or even just skipped right to the wrong action immediately. So many times I did something in the name of Christianity, but-honestly- so not Christian. It's sad because I know I've hurt people with my actions, pushed people away from God, and pushed people away from myself. But at the same time, if I hadn't done those things, I wouldn't be sitting here on my couch in Seoul, South Korea contemplating all these things.

I've been made more aware of my heart for serving, making people happy, helping others; even at a loss to myself. I don't know where that's leading me, but I know that God is now the center of it all. Not something/someone sitting on the sidelines waiting for me to call Him in. I pray that I can keep Him in my sight at all times.

Music is also a huge part of my life- I feel like God talks to me in songs when I'm not willing to listen in other ways. The song that popped into my head last night (to the point of me illegally downloading, gasp! I promise, I'll buy the cd when I'm in the states this summer!!), was "Sweetly Broken" by Jeremy Riddle. The part that stuck into my head is:

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

I think it fits rather well with the Prodigal Son. I'll leave you to listen to it: http://www.sweetlybroken.com/

When All Else Fails

This was my "Daily Encounter" e-mail today. How apt! It pretty much sums up the last several months of my life; I tried and tried to make it work, and only when I gave up did I actually start feeling good and comfortable with who I am here in Korea, and why I am here. So read on, and enjoy!


When All Else Fails

"When he [the prodigal son] came to his senses, he
said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to
spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out
and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have
sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer
worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your
hired men.' So he got up and went to his father."1

In his One-Minute Uplift email newsletter Rick Ezell
writes, "In the highlands of Scotland sheep often
wander off into the rocks and get into places that
they can't get out of. The grass on these mountains
tastes very sweet, and the sheep like it. They will
jump down ten or twelve feet to a ledge with a patch
of grass, and then they can't jump back up again. The
shepherd hears them bleating in distress. The shepherd
may leave them there for days, until they have eaten
all the grass and are so faint that they cannot stand.
Only then will the shepherd put a rope around the sheep
and pull them up out of the jaws of death.

"Why doesn't the shepherd attempt a rescue when the
sheep first get into the predicament? The sheep are so
foolish and so focused on eating that they would dash
away from the shepherd, go over the precipice and
destroy themselves.

"Such is the case with us. Sometimes we need to
experience a little bit of death before we can enjoy
the abundance of life. The Lord will rescue us the
moment we have given up trying, realizing that we
can't liberate ourselves, and cry to him for help."2

For many of us, like the prodigal son, it's only when
all else fails and we hit rock bottom, that we turn to
God for help but that's a good thing because only God
can rescue us from the jaws of eternal death and
damnation.

1. Luke 15:17-20 (NIV).
2. Rick Ezell, Defining Moments, © 2001. Cited on
PreachingNow Ezine.
www.preaching.com/preaching/preachingnow.html

no more business class

Sad. So, I got my "official" e-ticket and suddenly I'm no longer in business class. Sigh. Guess I'll have to suck it up and sit with all the peons in economy. :-) As if I've ever sat anywhere else! hehe

In other news, only 48 days left until school's out for the summer, and 49 'til I'm in Hawaii!! PLUS a mere 4 weeks until the Philippines! I've got all sorts of things to do before then- get mid-term grades in (due tomorrow...), buy shorts and other throw-away-able clothes to work in, do a workshop on InDesign for the teachers, set up and tear down an art show for 270+ pieces of art, and get regular teaching in somewhere! Not sure when it's all going to get down, but it will.

I've also been spending a lot of time thinking about what I want to do for the next several years of my life. I want to go back to school and get my master's, but I don't know when I want to get that started- while I'm here or when I get back to the states. I know there will never be a "good" time to do it, so I think I just need to bite the bullet on that one. Part of the next several years will involve deciding how long I want to teach here in Korea. I love the school here, my co-workers, and the students; it's the rest of life here that's difficult. I am finding people that I really enjoy spending time with and have gotten to know, but they are all in limbo about what to do after next year too. Depending on how long I decide to stay here will determine if I come home for christmas next year and what I do on my other vacations next year. As I said, lots of things to think about.

But for now, I'm going to focus on my finances! oh joy.